why i'm starting 12 step

It's not a surprise...I am not, have never been, nor will ever be a size 2.  I am constantly displeased when I look in the mirror.  It is frustrating to understand that my weight has never been something I've felt totally in control of. 

I've been praying and praying for guidance.  I've had the loving support of my husband.  And, I've decided to begin the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program through the LDS church.  I believe some of you are probably thinking "Wow...what a whiner...starting the 12 step just to stop eating?"  But it's not just that.  It's about learning to love myself.  It's about overcoming my emotional eating habits and learning to channel my emotions into something constructive. 

Partly why I know my weight is something so difficult for me is because I have SO many food allergies.  It makes it incredibly difficult to actually eat according to all of them.  And it makes food much more expensive, labor intensive, and frustrating.  Because of this, I know my body doesn't respond well to food and has a hard time processing it. 

I've been an emotional eater since high school.  When I'm upset, frustrated, scared, stressed...food is my comfort.  I've never been thin, even at my thinnest I still had meat on my bones.  My weight has fluctuated by (literally) 100 pounds for the last 9 years.  And I'm now at a point where this body isn't just about me.  In a year or two, I want to be pregnant.  I want to become a mother.  And I want my body to be a place where my child can grow, where my child can be nourished well.  In order to take care of my husband and future children, I have to care for myself. 

So that's why I'm starting the Addiction Recovery Program.  To learn to love myself.  To learn to stop abusing myself.  To learn how to deal with my depression.  To learn how to be a better me.  Basically, I'm working on Project: Megan for a while.  And I think I need that. 

five things

Lately, I've been writing a lot of posts and not posting them.  Mostly because they end up turning into really personal, drawn out "journal" entry type posts.  However, I'm here.  And I'm going to share.  Maybe more than you want to ever know, but you'll enjoy (hopefully).

First of all, prayers were answered today.  My husband (finally) got a job!  He'll be a security officer at the Naughton Power Plant outside of town.  It's a great starting place, and if we ever want/need to move, he can transfer to one of the hundreds of places around the country that they do security for.  G4S services is a great place for us.  And I'm so happy and so excited for both of us.  Honestly, I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.  We're in a much more stable place financially now.  We can now start saving up, working on getting our own place and thinking about starting a family within the next year or two.  So, life is grand.

Secondly, I still don't have a cellular device.  I've been waiting until my next paycheck because I bought textbooks with last month's paycheck.  I still have insurance on that phone, so I should be able to get a new one shipped to me for about $50.  Then, next year when my contract is up, I can get on my husbands plan and (maybe) get a smart phone.  Which would be phenomenal because I am (literally) the only person in my immediate family without a smart phone.

Third, classes are going great so far.  It's challenging to do solely online classes, mostly because you have to be incredibly self motivated to do it.  There's no class to go to, no professor to push you.  It's literally about you being able to push yourself to do it.  And it's a bit difficult to motivate myself.  But I'm doing well so far.  As long as it gets calendared, I generally can get it all accomplished.

Fourth, work is going splendidly.  I'm really enjoying working at the law office.  There's lots to learn, the hours work with my school schedule, and I love working with clients!  Our clients are the best.  Some are crazy, some are insane, some are absolutely sweet.  But it's nice to help people through a difficult time in their life whether it be divorce or bankruptcy, I love helping clients find relief from their strife and problems in life.

Fifth, JD and I have been watching this basically on repeat for the last 3 days straight.  THE CUTEST VIDEO EVER.  IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

quotables

Mom: You've got a hole in your bum (pointing at a hole in my favorite pair of jeans...sad day...)
Dad: Ellen!  EVERYONE DOES!

JD: I miss David Tennant...
(We've been watching Doctor Who.  He just can't quite get over the loss of Doctor Ten)

Me: (laying in bed, watching Arthur.  YES, Arthur.  It's a good show, people.  Suddenly, my husband got home earlier than I expected so I quickly turn it off and pretend I'm just flipping through titles of Netflix.)
JD: You were watching Arthur, weren't you?  Don't try and hide the evidence.


Me: Man, I really need to tidy up so I can decorate for Halloween.
JD: I know, I've been trying to be patient.
Me: Shut your face, when was the last time you did the laundry or dusted or vacuumed?
JD:.......I love you?
Me: Shut up.

marriage 101

I've read that your first year of marriage and the events that occur during it define the marriage for the rest of your life.  I believe we had a moment, a singular moment, that defined our marriage.  This happened during our first week, nay, our second day of marriage. 

Before our wedding, everyone in my family was getting this absolutely horrible flu.  This included my mother the day before my wedding.  So, I'd been trying to fight this flu away so I didn't have to get it on the day of my wedding.  We made it through the wedding day and had an absolute perfect day.  It was truly the happiest day of my life and I fall deeper in love with my husband every day.

Now, for the reality part.  We got to our darling bed and breakfast (Anniversary Inn.  Seriously, go there, it's adorable)  and had....a fun time (don't oooh la la at me, you know what happens on honeymoons).  We woke up the next morning and watched tv while we ate breakfast.  Then suddenly, I threw up.  All over our bed.  And all over our bathroom.  My husband calmly picked me up, sat me in our tub, started the bath and he proceeded to clean the bathroom, going and getting cleaner from the maids.  He washed me, picked me up, put me in some pajamas and put me into bed.  It was...awful.  Simply horrid.  Mortifying even.  One day into the marriage and he's cleaning puke.  I assumed he was thinking, "What did I get myself into with this one?"  But, I learned something through that terrible experience.  We will always pick each other up.  Even in the deepest, darkest, even embarrassing parts of our lives, we have each other. 

Since then, there's been more throw up for both of us.  Bills that we need to get paid.  Laundry that is never finished.  Messy rooms that can never stay clean.  Jobs that need to be found and stress up the hoozie-whatzit.  However, there's a few things that always keep up going and keep us together and strong in our marriage.

1. We pray.  Every. Single. Night.  Together and privately.  It is incredibly difficult to be worried, stressed or upset when you're praying to the Lord. "The strength of a man and wife joined together in God’s sight is far greater than the sum of the strengths of each of the two individuals. That’s because the Holy Spirit unites them and gives added power to their prayers." -Stormie Ormartian
2. We read scriptures.  Almost. Every. Single. Night.  Same principle.  When you're coming closer to the Lord and Christ, it's nearly impossible to be upset or worried about the stresses of the mortal world.
3. We do our best not to let the little things get us down.  I often find myself completely overwhelmed and frustrated over not having enough hours in the day to do homework, laundry, work out, cook and be the perfect "happy" wife at all times.  And, luckily, my hubby has even said "If I wanted the perfect cookie cutter wife, I wouldn't have married you."  Some people think it's an insult, I consider it a GREAT compliment to be out of the ordinary. 
4. We talk about everything.  No lies, no secrets. To quote a certain "dancer" from The Office, "Secrets secrets are no fun.  Secrets secrets hurt someone."
5. We forgive and forget.  We never bring up past mistakes in arguments.  Okay, never sounds absolute.  We aren't perfect people.  We make mistakes, but reliving and rehashing out old problems never fixes them.
6. We write in our journals most every day.  It's these small, separate, private moments that keep us (ourselves) together.  In order to care for each other, we need to care for ourselves.  And we work to keep up on this one. 
7. We'd don't point out each others flaws and mistakes. 
8. And, we fall deeper in love each day.  (Probably the easiest and most important factor in our happy marriage)

quotables

Me: AHHHHHHHHHH!  YOU'RE ENGAGED! AHHHHHHHHH!
Emma: You scream...a lot...too much screaming...

Mom: Your pants are looking too big. 
Me:  Oh, good.  Normally they're too small.
Mom: Yay!  You're losing weight!  When I lose weight I get your old clothes!

Doctor: So, you've been throwing up?  Are you pregnant?
Me: I had an ultrasound, you'd know better than I would.
(Also, I'm not preggo my eggo.  Just to clarify that to the world)

Mom: MEGAN! YOUR TOP RAMEN IS ON FIRE!
Me: OH MY GOSH!  LET ME GET A CUP OF WATER!
Mom: NO!  THAT MAKES IT WORSE.  HERE'S FLOUR, I'LL THROW THAT ON IT. (fire alarm begins buzzing through the whole house)
Me: DOESN'T SALT WORK?
Mom: JUST LET ME TRY THIS (throws flour on, fire flames up even more)
Both: AH!  JD!!!! GET UP HERE NOW!!!!!!

JD: It can't be that bad.
Me: Okay, well when you bleed from your privates for a week every month you can tell me how it's not that bad.

back to reality

I will tell you something, my favorite thing in the world is the first week of school.  Even when I was in elementary school.  You're getting to know everyone.  There's hardly any homework.  You're getting an idea of the professor/teacher's personality and teaching style.  It's a wonderful, beautiful, simple week.  Almost like, the calm before the storm.

However, the storm has hit.  Today my math class and education class have finally "really" begun.  Fun fact, I thought math for elementary school teachers was going to be super duper easy.  I also thought teaching math to elementary school students was going to be super duper easy.  I was wrong.  It is actually quite in depth.  Today I'm working on learning about all of the different numeration systems throughout history.  And it's pretty crazy how much there is to learn about it.

We spent a lovely little weekend in Salt Lake City. Fun, relaxation, family parties.  It was wonderful!  And....we got to go to....(drum roll please) JIMMY JOHN'S!  When I lived in St. George last year, I was absolutely obsessed with JJ's.  It was just so delicious...the chips, the huge cookies, the amazingly delicious fresh baked bread and totally fresh ingredients.  However, living in Wyoming, we never, ever, EVER get to eat at JJ's.  Well, the streak ended.  And it was divine.

Here's JD in all of his Jimmy John's glory.  Can't you just see how excited he is (and how desperately he needs to shave?  Thank goodness we bought him some new razors in SLC)?!

Also, someday I'll have a good camera.  I'm getting closer to the goal....and hopefully JD will get a job soon so we can be a little more stable.   Maybe for Christmas (wink, wink...nudge, nudge hubby) I'll get the camera of my dreams.