Sunday, September 14, 2014

pregnancy paranoia

Basically every single day I may or may not be pregnant.

After 2+ years of marriage I have sort of finally come to terms with that possibility.  For basically the entire first year of my marriage, if I was even 10 minutes late for my period I was doing a pregnancy test.  It sounds hyperbolic, but I'm not even joking.  I was constantly thinking "I know I'm on birth control, but what if I'm pregnant?!?!?!"  We were living in my parent's basement, we both had really low paying jobs, I was on my parent's really sucky insurance, we didn't have savings or retirement accounts set up, and everything else that makes you think "Hmm...maybe a baby is a bad idea right now."

Now I'm getting established in my career, JD has steady employment, we're getting ready to get back to school, we're in our own space.  But for the longest time I was still basically in a constant state of panic regarding the occupancy of my womb.  I mean, yeah we have a fairly good established life and we are very blessed to have the lifestyle we live.  But we're not done with school, we don't own a house, we don't have tons of savings (thought we do have some) and it just still seemed problematic to start a family.

However, about seven months ago I finally got to point where I sort of just felt "meh" about my pregnancy status.  No, we're not actively trying and no, it's not in our plan right now.  But if I was pregnant "whatever" we'd deal with it and be happy.  We had the resources and family around us to make whatever we needed to work.

Then we thought I was having a miscarriage on a baby that we didn't even know we had.  One Sunday afternoon I was just in horrendous pain.  We were still living in Wyoming with my parents and we were getting ready for church.  I figured it was something I ate and went to church.  All through relief society I was in such pain, then other symptoms started setting in.  JD and I left church early and I laid in bed for awhile.  JD gave me a blessing and tended to my every need.  Eventually I started thinking, "Am I having a miscarriage?"  I said something to JD about that possibility and he suggested we go to the ER just to check everything out.  Fortunately, I was not having a miscarriage my hormones were just freaking out for whatever reason.  The doctor at the ER got me on a medication to sort of "reset" my hormones and everything was fine.  But the emotions we experienced going through that process were incredible.  Even though we lost what wasn't even there.
My heart goes out to so many women, including several of my dear friends and angel mother, who have experienced the grief and anguish that goes along with miscarriage and stillbirth.  I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions that go along with such a personal, difficult experience.  Please say a prayer for the women who have had to/are currently going through such a difficult trial.

So, now whatever will be will be.  When the time is right, whether we like it or not, we'll be ready.  P.S. I'm not pregnant (at least that I know of) so don't get any ideas.

For now, we'll just continue to play with our cute family member's babies and day dream about how darling our little ones will be.

Me with Lucy and JD with Sam
Circa June 2014

Thursday, September 11, 2014

thousands of words

Summer has come and gone and we had a blast all summer long with family and friends.  Rather than try to write about it all, here's a photo run down.  If Summer was this eventful, I can't wait to see what adventures will await us in fall.