It's not a surprise...I am not, have never been, nor will ever be a size 2. I am constantly displeased when I look in the mirror. It is frustrating to understand that my weight has never been something I've felt totally in control of.
I've been praying and praying for guidance. I've had the loving support of my husband. And, I've decided to begin the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program through the LDS church. I believe some of you are probably thinking "Wow...what a whiner...starting the 12 step just to stop eating?" But it's not just that. It's about learning to love myself. It's about overcoming my emotional eating habits and learning to channel my emotions into something constructive.
Partly why I know my weight is something so difficult for me is because I have SO many food allergies. It makes it incredibly difficult to actually eat according to all of them. And it makes food much more expensive, labor intensive, and frustrating. Because of this, I know my body doesn't respond well to food and has a hard time processing it.
I've been an emotional eater since high school. When I'm upset, frustrated, scared, stressed...food is my comfort. I've never been thin, even at my thinnest I still had meat on my bones. My weight has fluctuated by (literally) 100 pounds for the last 9 years. And I'm now at a point where this body isn't just about me. In a year or two, I want to be pregnant. I want to become a mother. And I want my body to be a place where my child can grow, where my child can be nourished well. In order to take care of my husband and future children, I have to care for myself.
So that's why I'm starting the Addiction Recovery Program. To learn to love myself. To learn to stop abusing myself. To learn how to deal with my depression. To learn how to be a better me. Basically, I'm working on Project: Megan for a while. And I think I need that.